A letter to an adult looking for their biological family

Thank you so much for your very moving, very interesting message describing your search for your biological family. I’m so sorry you’ve had such a distressing, sadly all too common experience with your search so far. Unfortunately, the historic gatekeepers of such matters (local authorities, charity organisations, religious groups and/or adoption agencies or their successors, who really could do better) can often be somewhat insensitive and over-enthusiastic about protecting past promises and long outdated views. It’s such a shame because adoption papers often yield all sorts of clues – some of which turn out to be the key to finding the person or people you’re looking for.

The good news is, all is not lost! I’m happy to tell you that, thankfully, adoptees and those looking for them are no longer subject to the whims and benevolence of such outmoded organisations in helping us to find our long lost loved ones. In this age of DNA testing, digitisation, and social media, many such places are finally starting to realise they no longer hold all of the cards where reuniting loved ones is concerned, and some are even changing their outdated policies and practices to reflect this – and not before time either! Maybe your adoption agency will implement these changes too, in time.

But you don’t need to sit around and wait on the off chance of that happening! Even if they haven’t done a DNA test, if you have, these days it’s far easier to find your biological parents without even the need of bothering the adoption agency. Although it’s important to be clear from the outset that this can be a very long, complicated and, at times seemingly impossible, process, even if the test doesn’t produce the exact outcome you may have hoped for, it is more likely to answer at least some of the questions you might have.

Obviously, you’re already aware that not all searches yield positive results. Neither do they all have the fairy-tale ending some people might’ve imagined, hoped for or expected when they set out on their journey. Finding a parent or an adoptee can be fraught with emotion. Ups and downs. Dead ends. So I can’t emphasise enough how important it is at this stage for you to manage your expectations carefully. It’s crucial from the outset to understand that not everyone wants to be, or indeed can be, found – and, for a variety of personal reasons, a minority may have taken extreme measures to ensure that they aren’t. Ever. This is perhaps the hardest pill of all for people in your situation to swallow – and could be why the detectives or other researchers you’ve hired over the years have been unsuccessful in their searches. It’s also important to understand from the outset that even if a search is successful, and we find the person you’re looking for, they are not duty bound to respond to any correspondence they may receive. They may have their own reasons for not wanting to – and they’re not bound by any rules to explain them to anyone either.

With all that in mind, I can at least offer you some hope. Fortunately, searches for missing people these days no longer rely on finding tantalising traces of them in some dusty old documents or ledgers in the basement of some long forgotten adoption agency, library or archive. You hardly even need to find documentary evidence of them at all. Often, it’s enough just to find someone relatively close to them, who knew, knows of or is related to them - and not even that closely either, in some cases. So, the first thing I’d ask you to do is to take a DNA test via Ancestry – for no other reason than because they have the largest database of DNA matches in the world and the highest and most diverse number of digitised records available on the internet. This would give the best chance of finding the person you’re looking for, especially if they also happen to be looking for you. If not, DNA testing can enable researchers to find someone close to the person they’re looking for – siblings, say, or other relatives who might also be out there. At the very least, it could help narrow down your biological family names and give us vital clues about who they were and where they came from – and possibly tell us where they are now.

To start moving forward with your search whilst your DNA kit is being ordered and processed (it can take up to 8 weeks to get your results), gather together copies of any documentation you may have in relation to your adoption – your original birth certificate; any updated documents your adopted parents may have obtained in relation to your change of name; copies of any home or orphanage information you may have (*rest assured all information contained in them is protected under our terms of service).

In addition, write down as much information as you can about your situation. A few bullet points or numbered sections usually works best – for example:

• The full name of the person you’re looking for, if you know it, including any alternative names or nick names they may go by, or that might be connected to them

• Their age, date and place of birth or other details if known (some people are adopted later in childhood, so may remember sketchy details not necessarily found in documents – relating to siblings, or grandparents, say. Some may have retained place names or specific incidents that can be traceable.)

• Any known locations connected to this person - the place you were born, say. Or the place of your adoption.

• What you’ve tried so far.

• What, if any, leads or successes you’ve had so far

• The details of any agencies you‘ve been involved with – orphanages, fostering and adoption agencies, church organisations etc.

• Details of any foster parents you can recall or may still be in contact with (Sometimes adopted children have come through the foster care system first and have kept in touch with some of their foster parents – who might know details the child themselves weren’t privy to).

I also think it important for you to consider the following:

• Manage your expectations

• Be realistic

• Try not to daydream of a happy, tearful reunion – not everyone get’s one. If you do, consider it a bonus.

• Would you want to meet them?

• What if that isn’t possible – or advisable?

• What if the tables were turned and you were the one being searched for – would you want your life turned upside down by this person?

• Would you want all you’re expecting from them to happen to you?

• What if we find them and they don’t want any contact?

• What if we find them, make contact, you reunite – but it doesn’t work out as you’d hoped?

• What if we don’t find them or any trace of them at all?

• What if we find them and they’ve had other children before and after you – and kept them?

• What if they’re dead, would you still want contact with any remaining family they have – even if they didn’t know about you and what their response may mean for you?

Whilst it’s impossible to anticipate every potential eventuality that could occur in this situation, it’s important that you consider these potential scenarios carefully before you proceed. It’s also essential to ensure that you have a good support network around you, or know where to find one if things don’t turn out exactly as you hoped.